ON VALUES || The Key to Better Relationships in 2020
We know the 5 languages of love, but when we want to really be in someone else’s shoes to understand their needs and wants on a deeper level, we need to be speaking to their values, not just communicating using the love language they use.
While the 5 languages of love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch will allow you to understand the approach to connect with them, knowing and understanding what another person values will help you establish a better connection with them.
Let me emphasize that developing such an understanding will enrich and enhance every single one of your relationships. It will also help avoid unnecessary drama and conflict.
CASE IN POINT
A married couple have a row over one of the husband’s friends, who the husband is supporting financially; whenever the friend visits their country, he is likely to stay at their home and the husband also pays for a portion of his friend’s living expenses and mentions to the wife that it is because he supports his friend’s career goals and dreams and the financial support is to get him through a ‘tough spot’.
The wife says she doesn’t understand why support has to involve supporting the friend financially, from paying for their meals to their clothing and accommodation - she perceives this as beyond her interpretation of what friendship entails.
I had a chance to understand a bit more about the situation and here is the information gleaned from the conversation:
The wife’s love language is “Acts of Service”, whereas the husband’s is “Words of Affirmation”.
The wife values hard work and as a result of that, self-sufficiency and accountability for her own finances.
The husband values friendship above money/finances.
So if we look at the above, one reason why the husband and wife are arguing is that they don’t understand each other’s values. Knowing a person’s love language will help you figure out what ‘approach’ to use for them to connect with you, but as the conversation and relationship progress, an understanding of the other person’s values is a must for a healthy relationship.
So how can the couple work together to solve this issue?
A simple exercise such as listing out each other’s top 3 values ranked in order of importance and then explaining why these things are important is a great first step.
What bothered the wife was that the husband was using their shared finances to support the friend, so if she told her husband that she understands how important friendship is to him, and let him know that she values self-sufficiency and accountability and is not comfortable with using their shared savings to support the friend, a potential solution could be the husband allocating some of his own savings for his friend.
Another example would be a common one between couples, such as “they spend more time with their friends/family”, but the root cause may be that friendship and family rank higher on their list of values. Some couples spend key holidays with their families instead of each other, because to them, family time is more important. This is one key reason why people who get together and stay together often have values that are aligned because finding out what another person’s values are is easier than trying to fully understand and accommodate them if they don’t align with your own.
This also applies in the workplace; if your team values family time or travel, tailor the compensation package to show you understand these values and what’s important to them - this will ensure that both parties are aligned and creates a happier, more engaged workplace.
Reflecting on this, how will you revive and renew your relationships in 2020?
