No one else is responsible for making you happy. Only you can make yourself happy.

Sure, other people, places and things could be sources of happiness, but only you can determine how you feel about them. Let’s flesh out this concept a bit more.

On a day when you feel like letting yourself be happy, your niece’s incessant cries are perceived as cute and a source of joy.

On a day when you don’t feel like letting yourself be happy, your niece’s incessant cries are perceived as an annoyance.

See what I mean? Whether an experience is positive or negative is dependent on how you internalize and react to it. If your mind isn’t in the state to receive happiness, then it doesn’t matter what other people are doing for you.

I recently listened to a podcast episode on Jay Shetty’s On Purpose podcast show featuring Harvard Psychologist Susan David, where she shares that we shouldn’t label certain emotions as good or bad. I’m not saying happiness is positive and sadness is negative, but I am saying if you want to have more of any type of emotion in your life, you need to first allow yourself to feel it.

For those who think they can buy their way to happiness, they only need to take a look at all of the affluent people on headlines, in the news, who are miserable or going through dramatic episodes every day. Money will not buy you happiness.

So, why do you need to work on your relationship with yourself? If you are tough on yourself and always think your work isn’t good enough, even though these are your inner thoughts, they will manifest and reveal your belief of who you are through your posture, the way you carry yourself, and how you communicate. Imagine if you are applying for a job but you don’t believe you are the best candidate, how do you think you will come across? You might lean back from the table because you’re afraid of engaging the interviewer, you might use words that indicate uncertainty in your responses, you might speak in a softer voice than usual — all this points to your level of confidence in yourself.

On the other hand, if you are confident in your abilities (and of course you have to do your homework and put in the time to train yourself in order to feel such confidence), you would act differently in this interview. You would sit up straight, you would lean in on the table as you respond and look the interviewer in the eyes, you would use words like “I know, I can, and I will”.

Where should you begin? It starts with looking deep inside to understand yourself. Some basic questions to get you started are below:

• What are your fears? This helps you figure out what you are avoiding. It doesn’t mean you need to do anything heroic like face your fears, but at the very least identifying them and reflecting on why they are your greatest fears will help you understand yourself

• What are your priorities in life? I’ve written about this before and once you have your ranking for the top priorities in your life, you will find decision-making for everything you come across so much easier. Some common themes here would be family, career, health, wealth, travelling, kids, freedom, etc.

• What can’t you live without? Some people say it’s carbs, others say it’s sweets, many would say it’s their phone…but beyond these basic items, if you dig deep, what can’t your soul truly live without?

• What are your sources of energy? Do you recharge better with alone time or with friends?

• What kind of work environment allows you to thrive? Are you a lone wolf type of worker or do you enjoy engaging with team members to create together?

• What time do you work best during the day? Are you more creative in the morning or at night? Optimize your time so you can make the best use of your time and skill set.

• What is your communication style? Are you visual, verbal, or a combination of both? This one is important because you want to let others around you know how to get through to you and help you understand what they are saying.

• What are you good at and what do you enjoy doing? (These can be 2 different things) I’m good at math, but I wouldn’t want to have a career as a mathematician. You get the idea.

Getting to know yourself can take years, but you will notice, step by step, bit by bit, that you will start to feel more and more comfortable in your own skin. What you will come to realize that so-called ‘happiness’ is actually contentment — content with being who you are, and accepting everything about yourself including your faults. Most of all, it’s being okay with your faults and the fact that no one is perfect.

Understanding who you are, what you stand for, and what your capabilities are will allow you to be more confident in all of your actions, both verbal and nonverbal. Being confident doesn’t mean you excel in everything, it actually means you are open to admitting your boundaries because you know where they are. Sometimes people associate confidence with an overinflated sense of worth, bluffing about their capabilities, and exaggerating beyond their means; this is the exact opposite of what real confidence is.

With this in mind, put on your thinking hat, make yourself a cup of coffee or tea (or pour yourself a glass of wine) and get ready to begin your self-reflective journey.

Cover photo by Adi Perets on Pexels