SAYING NO || Don't Be a Pushover. 3 Strategies for Assertive Communication and Boundaries
In a world where people are often encouraged to be agreeable and accommodating, saying "no" can be challenging.
However, being a pushover can lead to resentment, stress, and an imbalance in personal and professional relationships. Learning how to communicate and establish firm boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being and standing up for yourself. In this article, we will explore three effective strategies for developing assertive communication and setting boundaries.
Many people fear confrontation and the thought of saying “no” because they’re scared of how the other person would react. But you are both mature adults. Understand that someone decided to decline and that you should respect that decision because if you had to say “no”, you would want the other person to be respectful of your opinions too.
1. Be Clear and Direct
The first step in saying no is to be clear and direct about your decision. Avoid beating around the bush or giving wishy-washy answers that leave room for interpretation. Instead, say what you mean and mean what you say. For example, instead of saying, “I’ll try to make it,” when someone invites you to an event you don't feel like attending, you can say, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it this time.” Giving a definite answer sets a clear boundary. It leaves out all the unnecessary back and forth that goes on when you know that at the end, you do not want to go. It’s also important to note that you do not owe anyone an explanation for your reason. However, depending on the importance of this relationship to you, in select cases, it would make your rejection easier for the receiving to stomach and help maintain the relationship if you provide an authentic reason. Either way, the person you are talking to will appreciate your honesty.
2. Use "I" Statements
It's important to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements when communicating your decision. Using “I” statements shows you are taking ownership of your feelings and actions, rather than blaming or criticizing the other person. For example, instead of saying “You always make me feel guilty for not coming to your parties,” you can say “I feel guilty when I can’t attend your parties, but I need to prioritize my own needs sometimes.” This way, you’re being assertive without attacking or blaming the other person. This makes you sound confident in the choice you make, regardless of the situation. It boosts your confidence and puts attention on yourself rather than making you seem wishy-washy. You are firm with your words and with your decision and this helps you have a say in situations when you think you don’t.
If you find yourself always going with the flow, take a step back and think about what you can do to be the one leading the conversation. Putting your thoughts out there and learning how to decline or say “no” is a skill that many people lack, and one that you should master.
3. Offer Alternatives
If you feel bad about saying no, you can offer alternatives instead to show you're still interested in maintaining the relationship or connection, but you’re unable to do what’s being asked of you at the moment. For instance, instead of saying, "No, I can’t help you move this weekend," you can say, "I’m not available this weekend, but I can help you next weekend." This way, you’re setting a clear boundary and expressing your willingness to help in the future. Keep in mind that you should not “rain check” too often. If someone reschedules the 3rd time in a row, I naturally expect that the event or the meetup will not happen. In my books, if they can plan well enough, there wouldn’t be a need to reschedule an activity 3 times. Of course, there are times when it’s an emergency, but if it’s merely a scheduling clash or something minor, I’ll give them 3 chances.
Remember, setting boundaries and saying "no" does not make you selfish or unkind. It's an essential part of self-care and building healthy relationships. By prioritizing your well-being, practicing assertive communication, and establishing clear boundaries, you can avoid being a pushover and create a balanced and fulfilling life!